Roller Coaster

As I sit hear in the silence of P&J's living room only to hear the ticking of the clock and my fingers dancing across my keyboard, I finally have time to put into words my feelings and thoughts of this past month.

As I look back upon this past month, I see the low, low, valley that I was in. How incredibly dark it was - to the point that I do not feel that I actually celebrated my own birthday. Yes, I was there in the flesh, but really, my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't until I verbalized it three times and I heard what was coming from my mouth, so many of the thoughts I had had in the past month did I realize how low it had been for me.

A mere few weeks before I was being bombarded by my parents of thoughts of the future to my breaking point. This part of my life seemed to slowly get better as I know my burdens were being carried by my fellow brothers and sister including many of you who faithfully read my entries. This is still a definite prayer request as I am still without a job, but I pray that I am able to do what God has set out for me, not to settle for anything less of that.

As September continued to unfold and I knew that my birthday was approaching, I do not think that I was "upset" that I was turning 25, it is a fact of life - we all get older, and in fact, it should be seen as a blessing from God that he has graciously blessed us with another year of existence. I do truly thank God for my friends, some who made the effort to drive out from Toronto, and my dear friends who know me so well to get me the "Friends" box set, and for a dear brother and sister who took time to organize my special night, and a guy who loves and knew that he needed to make it extra special this year - not because of the age I was turning but because of a number of other things.

I still don't fully know how to put into words my feelings and thoughts of how the rest of that weekend unfolded. And I know it was not done purposely, but needless to say, it shows how human I still am and how I need God to clothe me in His perfect love. How some things that are seen as frivolous to some, can still be so hurtful, which only God can take this hurt away. But this is all I'm going to say about that. It is in God's hands now, and may His will be done.

As the following week came to an end, the roller coaster continued. I was confronted again with the hurt and sadness I felt when my paternal grandmother passed away 12 years ago. I still can't believe it at times when I realize how much time has gone by since she has left us to be with God up in heaven, but times such as the one I experienced last week makes it seem like only yesterday when I saw her for the last time - hooked up to all those machines, her life support - and it brings those exact feelings back. My heart breaks and my eyes begin to tear. She was the one who raised me since I was born. She loved me, but more importantly, I know that she prayed for my salvation and she is an example of a Godly woman that I hope to be one day. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see the way people treat their grandparents - they just don't know how great they have it. My last living grandparent passed away a few years ago while I was away at university, not that she did not have significance in my life, but my por-por had and will always have a special place in my heart.

But things finally started looking up as September was drawing to a close. Getting word of our friends' engagement last weekend and other friends' engagement yesterday saved September from being a total disaster. Hearing about their new beginnings encourages me to start afresh and let the past be in the past and to look ahead.

I wonder what October has to bring...

Worthy is the Lamb

My new song of the moment!  Zoe's praise and prayer was so convicting of my heart.  Even though things are great with God at the moment, I have joy and peace with where I am at and where I am heading, God is speaking to me through prayers and Scripture, I felt that God revealed to me that he still longs for so much more out of me.  To pray more, to read the Bible more, to spend more time with him.

I truly felt this when the song, "Worthy is the Lamb" was sung.  It brought me to my knees, tears streaming down my face, humbling me to realize how unworthy I am of his love for me.  I felt so dirty, sinful, shameful, to even think that I should be content with where I am at.  I still fall so incredibly far from his glory.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, that God felt that I was worthy to be saved and redeemed by the blood of the perfect lamb - an atoning sacrifice for my sin.  Even when I feel that everything is going incredibly great, God breaks me again to see the ugliness of my life contrasted with Jesus.  But I am glad that he does, he knows that I can handle it, and it makes me yearn for him so much more!

Thank you for the cross, Lord.

Thank you for the price you paid.

Bearing all my sin and shame, in love you came

And gave Amazing Grace.

Thank you for this love, Lord.

Thank you for the nail-pierced hands.

Wash me in Your cleansing flow, now all I know...

Your forgiveness and embrace.

Worthy is the Lamb

seated on the throne.

We crown You now with many crowns

You reign victorious!

High and lifted up

Jesus, Son of God

The darling of Heaven, crucified...

Worthy is the Lamb.

I think that I was really feeling the shame I had as a sinner, but as I continued to reflect about it throughout the day, I realized that I have to get past the fact that I am a sinner, but to claim victory in what Christ has done for me as well.  He doesn't want me to feel the shame and guilt of sin, but to experience the joys and blessings he pours out on to me every day.  As the day wore on, when God broke me that morning, I knew I was restored by the blood of Jesus.  All I could do was praise him and know that I am worthy in God's eyes.

Thankful

Today in Sunday School, Paul asked us a simple question - or what was supposed to be a simple question. Unfortunately no one person could get the entire question correct.

Then he asked another question, "What have we got to be thankful for at MCAC?" I'm not saying that tons of things jumped into my head right away, but as no one said something for a while, I had time to think. And after letting Kat test out the waters, I shared as well, just what had come into my head. But as the time went on after I shared, instead of really concentrating on the lesson, I kept thinking about this question. And this is what I have come up with, I am thankful for:

• The brethren at MCAC who have taken the time to invest in ME, little me! Yet, they have received me with open arms and have loved me, encouraged me, prayed for me, mentored me, taught me, and so so so much more! I am a changed person because of that, For this I am truly thankful
• The dedicated time of prayer we experience every Wednesday. Knowing that there are brothers and sisters who care so much enough to come out faithfully every week and pray for the church is awesome!
• Zoe. What else can I say? I love these brothers and sisters so much. We have physically grown together, cried together, laughed together, ate together, experienced spiritual growth together and having genuine fellowship with each other. They are truly family.
• The youth and all their energy, helping me to stay young at heart. I am thankful for God allowing me to be a part of their lives, to help them in their growth in this time where they are searching.
• Leaders at MCAC believing in me. Affirming my strengths and rebuking me when needed. Encouraging me when I do not feel that I can do it. Where would I be other wise?
• The entire church. It truly is not us and them, but we all are the church, we are of one body. May I try to be able to give back to the church a portion of what it has already poured out on to me!

I am sure there is much more, but those are just some of the things. Without MCAC, I really don't know where I would be today, so yes, I am thankful.

Sisterly Love

Today I had the opportunity to pray with a dear sister in Christ.  It is so great to see how God is working in her life and the passions and burdens he has put on her heart.  It also reminds me of my time at CCF and my spiritual journey during those four years.  My journey was definitely tumultous at times, non-existent at times, fruitful at times, and joyful at other times.  It is too bad when we don't realize how powerful and helpful God is until we look back in retrospect, well for me at least.  Talking with her really brought back some things, it made me think about my whole time at CCF and how God used me.  It is so awesome to see how God is going to use her as well.  I am also honoured that God used me to help her through this "stressful" time in her life.  I love praying for my fellow brethren, helping them carry their burdens, and calling out to God to sustain, renew, and empower us!

However, I think after lunch today I missed an opportunity to minister to another sister.  It makes me sad and breaks my heart when I know that something is wrong, but I do not have to opportunity to address it.  I pray that she is doing alright, and like I've always said, sometimes all I can do it pray.

A Year in Review

My year in review with the use of pictures, thank goodness for digital cameras as I would not remember half of these events and fun times!

[Games from the past year - Pictionary (Old & New), Life, Poker, Bang!]

[Farewell Eleasa! & Welcoming Baby Mah!]

[I'm a teacher!]

[Engagements & Weddings!  I forsee more to come this year!]

[Zoe - Fun, Food, & Fellowship.  Looking forward to another blessed year]

[Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays!  We are getting older and wiser =p]

[Thanks for blessing me this year with your time and frienship, I love you all!]

2008

I don't know if it is because I'm getting older and losing my memory, but I really do not have much recollection of the past year with the exception of the last few months.  However, the last few months have definitely been quite significant for me.  They have been the months where I know that I have grown the most spiritually.  I know that is due in part with the people I have chosen to surround myself with, brothers and sisters that will encourage and challenge me.

Doing a reflection of 2008 for Saturday's Zoe program, I realized how God has changed me so much in the last few months.  I have come to rely on him more, especially with this job situation.  I know that he has divinely appointed a teaching position for me, but now I just have wait upon him to deliver.  And how he has changed my attitudes, especially about his people.  Some of the things I've done in recent days I don't think I could have done even 6 months ago, but it is only through the the refining power of his Holy Spirit that he has enabled me to become the person I am today.

In my reflections on Saturday, this is what I wrote down:

- Being able to see the people as God sees them and to love them

- Becoming hungry for God (for his Word, to spend time with Him, and to listen for him)

- Encouraging and edifying one another and also challenging each other

- Learning that God will provide opportunities to share if I live a faithful and conscientious life for Him

- Relying on the power of prayer

- Having a Jesus-centred theology in everything

- Being reminded of the costs of leadership

And these are the things I wrote down looking to 2009:

- Based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 || Being joyful always, to pray continually, and giving thanks in all circumstances

- Continue to be hungry for God and to have a Jesus-centred theology

- To GO.

Thoughts

I am up at this hour because of the bbt that I drank at 10pm.  This is utter destruction.

However, I am also inundated with thoughts, about an array of subjects that is also keeping me up.  Lots of things that have happened in the past few days, lots of things that have been talked about, things from the past weeks that resurfaced and requires attention once more, just lots and lots of stuff.  From one thing to another, there is just a lot to think about and mull over.

Further, this results in even more things to pray about and to lift up to God because although I am not necessarily worrying about it, it needs to be prayed about, and needs to be put into my daily prayer life.  God answers in his time, but I have to do my part as well.

I am excited and anxious for next year, as I reflected back upon this year, and how much God has pruned me, shaped me, moulded me, disciplined me, challenged me, and blessed me.

Decimals

When I was tutoring yesterday, we were working on decimals, multiplying and dividing decimals to be precise. While in teacher's college we went through the theory behind all of this, but when looking at it yesterday, I had a mini panic attack in my mind because I had forgotten it all and was not able to effectively communicate the theory to my student. However, thank God for textbooks because I opened it up and it provided a wonderful example and everything came flooding back!

When looking at my student's questions yesterday and when I learned the theory behind multiplying and dividing decimals, I reflected back upon my own learning of this material and realized that I never really learned the theory behind it, but I just did it, mostly by rote. Although I know many of our careers and jobs do not really need us to multiply or divide decimals, I wonder if any one in the working world now actually understands the theory behind it.

The question my student had to answer was (paraphrased because I can't really remember):
How come when you multiply 0.4 and 0.7, it will equal a smaller number/decimal?

Learning about this in particular was very enlightening when I was in teacher's college and was glad kids were able to learn how this actually worked, versus doing just everything by rote. However, there were some things that I also learned in teachers college especially in math and numeracy that was to a point disturbing. I say this because one of my students is in Grade 7 and is still having difficulties with her 4 times tables at times, and I am thinking back to my days in Grade 7 and I would think that I had a better grasp of the times tables and long division. For me, I find that as teachers we go so far to accommodate for some students but sometimes might be more detrimental than helping them. I feel that there are times for rote memorization and times for new strategies as well. It also could be because of my background as a CBC where my Chinese parents drilled the times table into my head after I could grasp the concept of multiplication. However, I think when I have kids I will do the same, because watching my student struggle yesterday with long division questions and sometimes even simple addition was frustrating and sad to me at the same time. It will be interesting to see how my tune will change when I actually get into the classroom myself.

Structure

I need it.

I realized this when taking some time to reflect upon the course I am taking right now online. This is my second online course, and even though it is with the same university, the instructor is different and how she has set up the learning environment online is much different from the course I took in the summer. It is definitely less structured and I don't know what made me realize this, but this lack of structure is what is overwhelming me in terms of this course as opposed to the one I took in the summer.

Thus, I reflected back upon what structure has meant in my life. I saw that I excelled in classes where there was enough structure, but enough room for me to explore, and I faltered in courses where the profs/teachers did not care so much to prepare the material and provide us with the necessary learning tools and materials. I distinctly remember a prof in university - he was definitely hardcore in terms of preparation, but he presented the material so well and when it came down to his tests and exams, although there was a lot of material because of how his course had been set up I always did well on his tests/exams. I actually enjoyed studying and learning in his classes. Yes, I am a geek of geography - it is quite interesting to me.

So, the morale of this post is, I excel with structure, and have to work a bit harder when there is a lack of it. Thus, I am going to have to dig a little deeper and work a little harder to not be overwhelmed by this course and learn what I need to learn.

Question

While I was in the car with a friend yesterday she posed this question:

"If money or talent were not an issue, what would you want to be?"

This question elicited some silly responses like a professional athlete and rockstar - but it was a really thought-provoking question. And this question reaffirmed my yearning to be a teacher - to mould the minds of the youth today who are immersed in a culture that is so depraved at times, but they are also some of the most informed kids and critical thinkers that I have met.

I believe God has blessed me with talents to use in the classroom and it was also a reminder to wait upon him, because he hasn't provided me these skills for nothing.

I Stand Amazed

This morning at Zoe we did a praise and prayer. I always love P&Ps because I enjoy singing praises to God and taking time to pray and reflect.

Today I was convicted near the end of the program after we sang the song Amazed.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

This song reminded me of another song, I Stand Amazed (How Marvelous), because of the chorus.

I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

Chorus:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

The last time I think I sang I Stand Amazed was last Thanksgiving. And how far I have come since then. I remember distinctly talking with Kevin Y last year during the P&P that I led and how thankful I was at the time for being placed with a wonderful AT and how I was learning so much. I also shared about the worries of my dad losing his job because of outsourcing to Mexico. Right now, I don't have a job, but that is okay - I am still learning everyday to become a better teacher in the jobs that God has bestowed upon me. And the good news is that my dad still has his job. And God-willing, he will keep it until the entire factory shuts down next year. God has definitely been good!

After we sung Amazed, there was a time of prayer - to reflect upon the songs and the passages that were sung today. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit to pray aloud as I was reminded of how AMAZING God had been to me the last year. Even though I was a sinner, condemned, unclean and so incredibly dirty, God has covered me white as snow. He completely broke me and convicted me of how sinful I am, but I was also encouraged by the fact that He has forgiven me and I am now striving to become better each day. I still am so incredibly amazed by what God has done for me this past year and may I continue to rely on him for ALL things!

Serving

I have been asked to serve twice recently in different ministries. I don't know which one God wants me to serve in. I know that God is asking me to step up and serve but where? Need to pray more about that. However, I do know that God has placed this burden and urgency to reach some of the kids at MCAC. After subbing in for Jeff last week, there was this great urgency placed upon me because it saddened me to see that these kids do not have a firm foundation in who God is, what Jesus has done for them, how "easy" it is to accept him and that they are unable to fathom how loving, gracious and merciful our God is. I was shocked, flabbergasted, scared, sad, and a bunch of other emotions because these kids grew up in the church, yet they find it so hard to believe?! However, God did tell me that Sunday School is not where he wants me at the moment, so I have to find another way to reach these kids.

Time passes by...

I do not feel like I will ever feel the age I actually am. I always felt that once I left high school, age didn't really matter anymore. There was not the constraints of grades. Even in university, because I graduated with the double cohort, I had many people who were younger than my in my classes, fellowship, and as housemates. Age no longer mattered that much. Maturity on the other hand, that is a different story. I feel that I just hang out with others who I am able to relate do, why does age have to matter. The group of girls who I hung out with in teacher's college were mainly younger than me, and that didn't seem to matter, because they seemed A LOT more mature than some of the other characters in our class. But that is a whole other story.

As another year is upon me, I reflect upon my last year, and think about where I have come from. Last year at this time I had the comfy safety net of a whole year of teacher's college, the prospects that having a Bachelor's of Education can bring, a world of possibilities and new experiences to be had. Now, a year later, even though the safety net has been yanked from under me and I have hit the cold hard reality that there are surpluses everywhere, I am more satisfied with my life now, and more content with where I am at. These last few weeks have been so great spiritually - reading the Bible with fervour and excitement, to see what God has to reveal to me through my devotional life, hearing God's voice through prayer and meditation, eagerly anticipating fellowshipping with other brothers and sister. This is just so much better than the worldly things of a job, career, money, cars, house, husband, etc., etc. Yes, I do still yearn for those things, but God has told me to trust in him and he will provide when the time is write. Thus, I am content to spend my birthday reading his word and listening for him to speak to me.