God is SOVEREIGN & AWESOME

The past 7 days has definitely been a testament to God's sovereignty, mercy, and His perfect plan.

As I keep saying to fellow brothers and sisters, nothing I could have done to have all these wonderful things happen to me, seriously NOTHING!!! But God had an awesome plan, he scripted for all these things to happen and to fall into place at the right time.

After my roller coaster of a month in September, God redeemed me and renewed me 100 times over! Our God is good.

Just to share a quote from a friend I was talking to recently about the recent turn of events:

I seriously thought you would keel over with joy, really

like God slayed you over the week

I thought that was really funny - but it is true on many senses. I am on such a high right now, but I pray that God continues to sustain this joy for a long time, for me to remember a few months down the road how His providence was so perfect when things seem to be down again. This past week is such a testimony to His perfect timing and His perfect will for my life.

Romans 8:28 has been coming to my mind this past week (emphasis added):

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God always does things for our own good. This past year and a half was for my own good, to be pruned and stretched in ways that I never though imaginable. And the past seven years has definitely been a journey of ups and downs, but we both love God and he continues to work for our own good.

May all glory, honour, and praise be given back to our Lord!

Timing II

Okay, seriously, God's timing is truly the best and most perfect.

After this weekend, I pray that I continue to trust in His sovereign plan and absolute perfect timing as He has magnificently revealed himself to me this weekend. No one, on heaven or earth, except our loving Father could have scripted a better weekend.

All I can do is offer praise and glory back to Him.

Timing

... is so perfect when designed by God.

It has been a year and a half of patience, trying at times, dark at others, yet, there was and always is a light at the end with God on my side.

It is still going to be a test of patience in the next few weeks, but with God anything and everything is possible!

Prayer is even more key now. Keep praying for me!

Thanks to all for your love and prayers. I love you all!

Knowledge

Sigh. How much do I actually know???

Roller Coaster

As I sit hear in the silence of P&J's living room only to hear the ticking of the clock and my fingers dancing across my keyboard, I finally have time to put into words my feelings and thoughts of this past month.

As I look back upon this past month, I see the low, low, valley that I was in. How incredibly dark it was - to the point that I do not feel that I actually celebrated my own birthday. Yes, I was there in the flesh, but really, my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't until I verbalized it three times and I heard what was coming from my mouth, so many of the thoughts I had had in the past month did I realize how low it had been for me.

A mere few weeks before I was being bombarded by my parents of thoughts of the future to my breaking point. This part of my life seemed to slowly get better as I know my burdens were being carried by my fellow brothers and sister including many of you who faithfully read my entries. This is still a definite prayer request as I am still without a job, but I pray that I am able to do what God has set out for me, not to settle for anything less of that.

As September continued to unfold and I knew that my birthday was approaching, I do not think that I was "upset" that I was turning 25, it is a fact of life - we all get older, and in fact, it should be seen as a blessing from God that he has graciously blessed us with another year of existence. I do truly thank God for my friends, some who made the effort to drive out from Toronto, and my dear friends who know me so well to get me the "Friends" box set, and for a dear brother and sister who took time to organize my special night, and a guy who loves and knew that he needed to make it extra special this year - not because of the age I was turning but because of a number of other things.

I still don't fully know how to put into words my feelings and thoughts of how the rest of that weekend unfolded. And I know it was not done purposely, but needless to say, it shows how human I still am and how I need God to clothe me in His perfect love. How some things that are seen as frivolous to some, can still be so hurtful, which only God can take this hurt away. But this is all I'm going to say about that. It is in God's hands now, and may His will be done.

As the following week came to an end, the roller coaster continued. I was confronted again with the hurt and sadness I felt when my paternal grandmother passed away 12 years ago. I still can't believe it at times when I realize how much time has gone by since she has left us to be with God up in heaven, but times such as the one I experienced last week makes it seem like only yesterday when I saw her for the last time - hooked up to all those machines, her life support - and it brings those exact feelings back. My heart breaks and my eyes begin to tear. She was the one who raised me since I was born. She loved me, but more importantly, I know that she prayed for my salvation and she is an example of a Godly woman that I hope to be one day. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see the way people treat their grandparents - they just don't know how great they have it. My last living grandparent passed away a few years ago while I was away at university, not that she did not have significance in my life, but my por-por had and will always have a special place in my heart.

But things finally started looking up as September was drawing to a close. Getting word of our friends' engagement last weekend and other friends' engagement yesterday saved September from being a total disaster. Hearing about their new beginnings encourages me to start afresh and let the past be in the past and to look ahead.

I wonder what October has to bring...

From Where It All Began...

On Saturday, we had an opportunity to share about our memories and important moments we had in our past with Zoe. While I was thinking about it, I was reminded of how much of an impact Zoe had had on me throughout these last few years.

Zoe was there when I was just rediscovering my faith and I actually felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.

I learned what servant leadership was - through the way our leader lived his life. You could count on him being there every Friday night, rain, snow, or fog.

There was support from home during CCF noms and elections - oh what a feeling!

Again, I felt their love and support during a difficult patch during the year at CCF - I could pour my heart out and someone was listening, as my tears flowed someone had tissues to give me, and their prayers were priceless.

They supported me when it looked like I would be leaving them again, and they celebrated with me when I found out I'd be staying at home to study some more!

There was always a home to come back to.

Anxious and excited to see where God leads us to next. I'll always have my memories of Zoe, but we must also look forward as looking back reminds us of how God shaped us into the present and how we can use it for Him in the future.

Summer

Where has it gone?

It seems to have left as quickly as it came - in terms of temperature and time!

It's so cool outside today. I don't like. =(

And people are slowly making plans to move back to school. Or they are packing up and leaving to far off places.

It's a time of farewells, but also a season of new beginnings. As the school year is about to start, I am wondering what God has in store for me next. I pray that my will conforms to His will for the next year, and not the other way around. The past four months have been transforming and refining, as always, but many changes are just around the corner. What does God have in store next?

Tears

... of joy!

And truly feeling the love of other brothers and sisters.

How blessed am I to have people that care for me so much. I was greeted with two very touching emails tonight after my meeting tonight with PJ. The emails warmed my heart and my eyes started to well again - but this time out of just the love that I felt from reading the words off the screen and listening to the beautiful voice from my speakers.

The TRUTH that they spoke to me through Scripture and song was undeniable. God is in control and may I surrender everything to Him, because He is in charge of my life and everything that I am going through right now is all for Him.

Trust

I love love love meeting with Jessy. Even though what we talk about may not always be the cheeriest things, talking and praying with her is always great! Tonight was especially great after a very convicting PM.

May we hold on to the two pillars discussed today during PM.

1. We are able to resist sin by turning our minds to things that are pure. May we not allow sin to even take root because we have turned our minds on things that are pure.

2. We can refuse to sin by taking an eternal perspective. The momentary gratifications that Satan provides is nothing compared to what God provides in eternity!

I needed to hear these things. This lesson reinforced what I was reading recently about a family who are Christians and home-school their kids, the second point not really playing a part in this instance. But, the eldest son was talking about how as children, their parents would acknowledge there would be desires, but if you turn your mind onto pure things and put them up to God immediately through prayer, it is manageable.

It is needed to be emphasized that impure thoughts are not limited to sexual sins, but as we talked about earlier tonight, anything that is sinful - lust, greed, selfishness - is impure and thus, we need to turn our minds on to things that are pure, and to offer these impure desires up to God.

Secondly, I need to ask myself today, if I knew Jesus was coming back next year, how differently would I live my life? Of course, I would live differently. However, so much easier said than done. However, I want to live with that question at the forefront of my mind, having an eternal perspective for my life.

During prayer time today with Jessy, God really just spoke to me regarding this whole job situation. He sprung Proverbs 3:5-6 into my head:

Trust in the LORD with all you heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

I know that God has a plan for me. I just need to fully trust him. My path right now is a crazy mess, because of my inability to fully trust. Where O God do you want to lead me?

Back!

As many have said to me this past weekend - I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth - but truly then is when I know I am loved and have true friends who look for you, ask about you, when they have not seen you of late.

The break from everything was good for me. It offered me fresh perspective and re-energized me for whatever God has in store. A step back, to examine where I am now, where I have come from this past year, and to think about what there is to come.

Some of the struggles have come back, especially with September looming around the corner. The daily questions from my parents are the same. I want to spend time with them, but that dreaded question makes me want to retreat at the instance any talk about jobs comes up - even when it is not related to me. There is that cringe inside of me whenever anything work related comes up - even when talk about other people and their jobs because it could segue at anytime to my situation. My heart is heavy again. Oh, how human am I, possessing such little patience for God's plan to unfold. I must pray and pray and pray so more for God to take away this heaviness on my heart and the million thoughts running through my head.

Throwing myself back into ministry has been great though. A post camp reflection will come shortly. Let's just say it was wet. I know God is pushing me to do more but what, I have not grasped yet.

I can not believe that it is almost the middle of August already. The next few weeks are going to be full of changes, am I ready for it?

Whirlwind

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind, full of weddings, rehearsals, meetings, trainings, celebrations, fellowship, games, and to top it off, the last day of school!

Two weddings in the span of a week, pretty brutal, but so awesome to see how God has united these two couples. Being involved in weddings is so fun, yet exhausting, but it is so rewarding and an honour to be a part of your friends' big day! The rehearsal for Erik and Ruth was quick and simple - yet the wedding party still had issues the following day =p The rehearsal dinner was yum in my tummy and the laughs that we had after were great! Man, some of the apps that the iphone has are ridiculous! And God definitely came through with the weather! Both weddings were sandwiched between days that had tons of rain, but on the day of their weddings, it was gorgeous sunshine and sometimes a little to hot for comfort - but who could really complain?! Congratulations to Ruth & Erik Meechem and Jamie & Kevin Kwok!

[sidenote: sitting during the wedding ceremony as a bridesmaid was so great! =)]

Looking back at the last two weeks, I realized how many meetings I actually attended! Mainly for ministry, but also to meet up with my old AT to talk about job stuff. Jobs are slowly being posted, but I'm being selective - I don't know if that is the best move on my part, but I do not feel like I would do well on the interviews if I got one since I do not really want to teach - further I do not think that God is calling me to apply to every job on VIP. I'm still trying to remain patient and not apply to everything I am qualified for. I know that God has a plan for me but much like a lot of people, sometimes it is hard to wait for it to unfold in His timing. Please pray that I continue to hold steadfast to Him and not be wavered by the temptations of this world.

Other meetings in the past week have been to catch up with people - Aban and Jessy to be precise. I love my relationship with these two women of Christ. Even though we have not seen each other for the longest time, we are able just to pick up where we left off the last time we spent time together - talking about everything under the sun! Family, friends, ministry, work and lots lots more! I love these two ladies to pieces and I'm truly thankful that God has placed them in my life to challenge me and inspire me.

Two jam-packed trainings on a Saturday morning was pretty intense. It was the day after the first buddy groups for WWJD fellowship and it was encouraging to go to the meeting and share my experiences of the last month being in youth ministry. From the unexpected thanks from parents, to awesome talks with my girls, to seeing the girls in their own skin, and so much more, it is great to be in those meetings where we hear these praise reports and updates on how God is working! The youth pastor has really engrained it into me how it is so important to share and experience the joys of YM together, just to get through the valleys that we are bound to face during the long haul. After the YMC meeting, I went to the Jr. High camp meeting where I was welcomed in as one of the group. I know that God placed this camp on my heart for a reason - not only are all my girls going - but when I got to the meeting, I would be working with a number of the parents of the WWJD kids. How exciting (and frightful) is this?! There is a reason for everything that happens. It'll be an interesting week indeed.

The last day of school was almost a week ago now. And what a great day it was. I received a card from the kids and a great present (Lindt truffles - my favourite!) from the teacher. It was sad to see them all go and to see the kid that I have been helping go off as well - I can only pray that he gets the support he needs at home and during the next school year.

God has blessed me abundantly the last two weeks, and may I remember this every day, especially in hours of wanting, stupidity, and loathing - how can I ask for more when God has done so much for me. I can only imagine what God has planned for the rest of the summer.

Some prayer requests:

- WWJD camp (I'm organizing, yet I do not have much done yet!)

- that I remember to pray for all the WWJD kids

- Jr. High VBS camp

- first youth service

- consistent daily QT and God time

- Kev is starting work in Aug - only God knows what is in store for us after that!

Worthy is the Lamb

My new song of the moment!  Zoe's praise and prayer was so convicting of my heart.  Even though things are great with God at the moment, I have joy and peace with where I am at and where I am heading, God is speaking to me through prayers and Scripture, I felt that God revealed to me that he still longs for so much more out of me.  To pray more, to read the Bible more, to spend more time with him.

I truly felt this when the song, "Worthy is the Lamb" was sung.  It brought me to my knees, tears streaming down my face, humbling me to realize how unworthy I am of his love for me.  I felt so dirty, sinful, shameful, to even think that I should be content with where I am at.  I still fall so incredibly far from his glory.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, that God felt that I was worthy to be saved and redeemed by the blood of the perfect lamb - an atoning sacrifice for my sin.  Even when I feel that everything is going incredibly great, God breaks me again to see the ugliness of my life contrasted with Jesus.  But I am glad that he does, he knows that I can handle it, and it makes me yearn for him so much more!

Thank you for the cross, Lord.

Thank you for the price you paid.

Bearing all my sin and shame, in love you came

And gave Amazing Grace.

Thank you for this love, Lord.

Thank you for the nail-pierced hands.

Wash me in Your cleansing flow, now all I know...

Your forgiveness and embrace.

Worthy is the Lamb

seated on the throne.

We crown You now with many crowns

You reign victorious!

High and lifted up

Jesus, Son of God

The darling of Heaven, crucified...

Worthy is the Lamb.

I think that I was really feeling the shame I had as a sinner, but as I continued to reflect about it throughout the day, I realized that I have to get past the fact that I am a sinner, but to claim victory in what Christ has done for me as well.  He doesn't want me to feel the shame and guilt of sin, but to experience the joys and blessings he pours out on to me every day.  As the day wore on, when God broke me that morning, I knew I was restored by the blood of Jesus.  All I could do was praise him and know that I am worthy in God's eyes.

Anxious

You know your God is sovereign and ruler of all things when he points out exactly what I need to hear.

Doing my devotions on Thursday night, this is the passage that I read:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

And this is exactly what I wrote down in my journal that night: How much did I need to hear and read this?!  There are so many anxious thoughts about the job situation.  But may I allow God's plan to become my plan.  That is the only way this whole situation can work.

Power, Love & Self-Discipline

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

                                                                                                                              ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

This is the verse I opened up my Bible to this morning.  My focus was not on the first part of the passage, but more so on the second half.  Some things have been on my mind since the weekend, a little troubling and burdensome, but may I live out a life being empowered by the Holy Spirit, where I claim the power, love even when it is hard to do so, and be self-disciplined in my walk.

Listen

Am I listening?

A wise and kind friend encouraged me, in a very up front way yesterday about this aspect of my life.  Am I truly listening...

Love

You know you are loved when... =)

I have received a number of emails, thoughts and prayers in the last few days, which made me feel so much better.  You know how when you seem to be absorbed in yourself, you forget that there is a family out there, God's family, thinking of you and praying for you!  I need to remember that evermore in this crazy time.

Last night was a good night.  Kev and I did Bible Study on Philippians 3:1-14 and we got a chance to pray pray pray together.  It was a awesome time.  God spoke to me about some things that I had not noticed before in the passage.

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I am not perfect, yet Jesus has taken a hold of me, he has called me his own.  As it says in Hebrews, he chose to call us his family.  I also believe that Satan has implanted in my mind some footholds in my life that I have not been able to let go of from my past.  But after praying last night with Kev, I continue to pray that I have truly left it up to God now.

Continue praying for me in my journey.  I love you all!

Exhaustion

I have been physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually exhausted these last few weeks.  I think with the changes that have been going on - school work, friends coming home, YMC - and all the stuff that I had already been doing - home stuff (cleaning, dogs, cooking, etc etc), Zoe, volunteer, tutor - just kept on piling and piling on top of each other and have caused me to become uber exhausted!

Last night at PM, I don't know if it was the atmosphere of the sanctuary on a Wednesday evening or the change of pace with the sermon, but I could not really concentrate and I felt quite sleepy to be honest.  At the end of the night, I was almost falling over because I felt so tired.  Joi commented on the bags under my eyes =(  But God still spoke to me regardless of the state of my body and mind.  The focus of the sermon was on Psalm 1, specifically the first 2 verses.  The second verse spoke to me more so:

But his delight is in the law of the LORD, 
       and on his law he meditates day and night.

I need to start meditating on His Word again.  And like a wise friend keeps reminding me, I need to rest in God, truly rest.

MIA

As per Vinci's comment to my last post, I have been MIA.  I have been so utterly drowned in so much stuff to do.  I want my life back!  Looking ahead to the summer it doesn't look like it is going to let up - however, there is the anticipation and joy that my parents will be home soon!

I want to see my brothers and sisters!  It's not like I am avoiding them like the plague, just so much to do and not enough hours in the day to accomplish it.

And to make matters worse, I have been slipping in my Bible reading and prayer.  This is actually my biggest concern and I've started to pray pray pray about it.  Why am I such an idiot?

Oh Happy Day...

This morning I woke up and just felt so happy and content.  As I was walking the dogs, I looked up into the sky and the joy just kept on flowing.  It was such an awesome feeling!  Oh, how I want to just live every day with this feeling!

Looking back on this past year, I can see so much growth and making smarter decisions to draw closer and closer to God.  It is only by grace that I am where I am right now.  It still boggles my mind when I think about the price that was paid to wash me of my sins and my relationship with God to be reconciled.  I was so incredibly dirty and nasty, yet God choose to place all of it on His son.  For this I am humbled and truly thankful.  I pray that I can awaken each day thanking Him for the perfect life Jesus lived and the shedding of Jesus' blood on the cross.  I so do not deserve it, but God was so gracious.

TC

Last night I was exposed to Teens' Conference.  It was definitely fun, overwhelming, encouraging, and educating all at the same time.

I unfortunately did not have the opportunity to go to TC when I was in high school since I was not plugged into a church nor could I call myself a Christian at that time.  I always wondered about it every time it came up how it would have been like.  I got a tiny taste of it yesterday when I went for the evening session.  God is SO huge!  These kids were SO on FIRE for God!  It was awesome!

Before I went yesterday I had some discussions with a friend of mine online on the effectiveness of events such as this.  We agree that it definitely exposes non-Christians to the Gospel and it can pump kids up too.  However, what is lacking is the followup after these events.  These events pump kids up and they are on spiritual highs after being totally immersed in fellowship with other believers their age and how the Holy Spirit convicted their hearts.  Now what happens when they get back to their home churches, away from it all?  I find all too often they are left to fend for themselves, there is not enough followup, and that high can not be sustained.  There is a sudden drop and that is definitely not good.

So after last night, I came home, exhausted yet I know God was working in my mind, making me question why I had attended TC that night, what He had taught me about the kids, and how I can help to sustain this fire some of them have so longed for.  I pray that God helps me with this.