Pray

In this time where there is so much going on around me, with family and friends, what else can I do but pray, lifting all their burdens and anxieties into the hands of our holy Father who is there to listen when we call.  So much to pray for, yet so comforting to know that God is there to listen to us -- especially in our darkness.  I pray that the glorious light engulf all who are experiencing the darkness and for their brokenness to be put back together by the love and power of the Holy Spirit.  In a time like this, what else can we do but pray?

Change

Since last week's prayer meeting, I feel a total change in my perspective and heart.  No longer am I burdened to the point of tears nor do I feel the whole weight of the world on my shoulders.  This is only through the redeeming power of the Holy Spirit to calm my heart and lift the weight.  In addition it is crazy how God has done a total 360 in terms of my relationship with my mentor.  Last week she was carrying my burdens, being my listening ear, caring and praying for me.  This week has been the opposite and I am glad that God is continuing to refine and mold us and strengthening our relationship together and with Him.

So much has happened this week, God has definitely been speaking, however, I do not know if I have done an extremely good job at listening.  I have been reading through a few Psalms and they have spoken to me, given me comfort, and empowering me.  I do not think that I have actually done this before, really just go through the Psalms and reflect, meditate and pray about them.

God really changed my perspective on someone this past week and I know that it will be the best for our church.  Each day the sermon from Sunday still reverberates in my mind; how God demonstrates his love for us even though we don't deserve it, I am definitely a sinner and fall so far from the glory of God, but because of God's love for us he gave his one and only son to be an atoning sacrifice for us to die the most shameful death.  In reflection and talking with others about it, far too often I do not understand or fail to remember the depth of God's love for us and the what the cross symbolizes.  And further, thinking about the question that was posed at the end of the sermon, Do I know the love of God experentially?  And if I do, do I love people like God loves them or are they contingent on others?  I need to remember, the love of Christ came to me when I least deserved it.

Participate

We are merely just participants in God's great and awesome plan.  This gave me peace along with the prayers, of course.

2009

21 days into 2009 and God has already revealed so much to me.  Talking with my mentor about this on Monday I realized this.  The latter half of 2008 had been so good to both of us, and there had been so much growth, and for the most part everything had been positive, we were enjoying the wonderful things that God was doing in our lives.  Thus, we were both excited to see what God would have in store for us this year, but man, spread it out evenly! Hahaha... This is definitely a refining process, a time where I am trying to see the light in the darkness, find joy in my bitterness, have peace in my heartbreak.  But I know that God will carry me through this and he will make me stronger as a result.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,

for in you my soul takes refuge.

I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

until the disaster has passed."

Psalm 57:1

"But I will sing of your strength,

in the morning I will sing of your love;

for you are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble."

Psalm 59:16

Behind

Bah!  I feel that I am behind in so many things.  And I forget to write them down, which makes it even worse when I finally remember to do them, because I have written other things down to do already!  This week has been hectic!  I knew I should have finished my marking 4 weeks ago! >.<

The last few days have been cold, extremely cold, like -30 cold, I don't think that has put me in a good mood.  Plus, I have come to realization that I have extremely poor circulation.  Bah!  I need another vacation.

Compliments

Am I just weird or is it just the Chinese in me that whenever I am offered compliments or praise I find it very hard to take and to accept it.  I have been thinking about it for awhile, ever since some of my kids' parents thanked me for coming into their homes to help their children.  However, in these two particular cases, I feel like I am fighting a futile cause.  It's not that I do not see potential in these kids, but I think to myself sometimes, how much impact can I make in these kids with 1/2 hr, 1hr, and 1.5 hour sessions, respectively, one time a week.  I have not been able to see the fruits of my labour.  In fact, it can be quite frustrating.  Alas, that is another can of worms.

Back to my apprehension and hesistation in accepting compliments.  I do not know what it is in me, I am able to provide compliments to people, I do it for a job well done and to acknowledge that fact.  But when it comes to me, it seems so strange and I do not know how to react.  Like when my kids' parents told me, my response was quite awkward, because in my mind it was just a job, and I'm doing what I am hired to do.  In another case, I find that when offered compliments, I am just doing what I believe is right.  I think I'm just weird. =p

Exhausted

I can not believe how tired and exhausted I was last night.  With everything that is going on, so much stuff is going through my head!  I guess it took a little toll on my body.  I was praying for a little while around 8ish last night, great time of prayer.  Then I decided to pull out my Bible and other books that I have started and dig into them, but I was feeling a little tired, so I thought I would take a nap before starting them.  I didn't end up waking up until 8:30am this morning.  However, I know that He was preparing me for today.  Man, and it's only 13 days into the new year!  But with God's strength I will endure and be joyful about it!

Chat

Today's conversation went well.  I still need time for it to sink in, to reflect upon it, and to see where to go from here.   God had already told both of us lots and the situation had already rectified itself, for the most part, as a result.  But I'm glad that we still had the opportunity to talk with one another, so openly and maturely, about things that I never really thought we'd be able to.  But God has changed both of us so much.

There were times where I had the sense that I was going to start to cry, just because of the subject matter, and how it pierced my heart so much.  But I composed myself inside my head, and wiped the forming tears away.  Today reminded me that family is so incredibly important, they get us when the rest of the world thinks that we're crazy or weird, they know things about the past that we have forgotten about and we can revisit it with joy and embaressment, they understand the struggles of our past and even if we are apart for long periods of time, they are still there to listen to us, and above all they love us.

Tears

Yesterday I got an email from someone very dear to me.  It almost moved me to tears, yet at the same time while reading through her struggles, fears, and frustrations, I had this overwhelming sense of joy that I wanted to share with her right then!  This is what God has been preparing me for.  Especially in the last week, after weeks of struggling with the chains of complacency, I have come to experience incredible joy, and I just want to share it.

Please pray for me, for God to give me wisdom while I have a meet up with her.  Although I love fellowship and my church, there is something different when talking with family, there is a deeper understanding that usually cannot be attained otherwise.  We understand each other and the quirks in our family, we take the good with the bad, there is no other choice, this is family.

A Year in Review

My year in review with the use of pictures, thank goodness for digital cameras as I would not remember half of these events and fun times!

[Games from the past year - Pictionary (Old & New), Life, Poker, Bang!]

[Farewell Eleasa! & Welcoming Baby Mah!]

[I'm a teacher!]

[Engagements & Weddings!  I forsee more to come this year!]

[Zoe - Fun, Food, & Fellowship.  Looking forward to another blessed year]

[Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays!  We are getting older and wiser =p]

[Thanks for blessing me this year with your time and frienship, I love you all!]

Joy

In addition to the peace that I was reminded of yesterday, joy and rejoicing has also been reverberating in my life of late.  This is the attitude I want to bring with me at the start of this new year, and dealing with my situation, and living out my life day by day, in all the circumstances that God puts me in.

God has told me that I need to be joyful in the blessings he has bestowed upon me.  I am truly blessed, I have a wonderful family, great friends, a loving fellowship, a guy that loves me for who I am, and brothers and sisters that are always there for me, encouraging and challenging me.  What more can I ask for?  There is more that I could ask for, but looking at them now, they are based on wordly standards and if I wait upon God he will provide for me.  Thus, for now, I am going to rejoice in what he has given to me now.

Further, the month of December taught me a number of things about being joyful and such.  After two awesome months where I was "on track," reading the Bible, doing my devotionals, spending time with God, praying, I fell of the ball.  It sucked.  However, as I shared with a fellow sister, even when I was on track, there always seemed to be a voice in the back of my head, that is obviously attributable to Satan, telling me that this awesome time is finite and will only last a while before I come crashing down again.  Why do we do that to ourselves?!  A devotional taught me that we need rejoice in what God has given to us.  Instead of letting that little voice get the best of us, I need to remember what God has blessed me with now, what he is doing is my life right now, how I am doing right now, and not worry about what is to come.

Vent

Thank God for awesome sisters in Christ who will just listen to me vent for a good half an hour!  And to remind me of the peace that only God can bring.  Tonight was a really good night, having someone to listen to me is so great!  And someone who will listen without interrupting is even better!  And after all my ranting and venting, she is still able to challenge me and to use this crazy situation as a learning experience.  A new perspective, something that I definitely would not have thought about!  And helped to grant me peace with the situation.  I can't really change anything, it is not my place to change or from my perspective to have an opinion on, thus why dwell?  So, continue praying that God can grant me peace about this situation.

I thank God for our relationship and thanks for listening!

2008

I don't know if it is because I'm getting older and losing my memory, but I really do not have much recollection of the past year with the exception of the last few months.  However, the last few months have definitely been quite significant for me.  They have been the months where I know that I have grown the most spiritually.  I know that is due in part with the people I have chosen to surround myself with, brothers and sisters that will encourage and challenge me.

Doing a reflection of 2008 for Saturday's Zoe program, I realized how God has changed me so much in the last few months.  I have come to rely on him more, especially with this job situation.  I know that he has divinely appointed a teaching position for me, but now I just have wait upon him to deliver.  And how he has changed my attitudes, especially about his people.  Some of the things I've done in recent days I don't think I could have done even 6 months ago, but it is only through the the refining power of his Holy Spirit that he has enabled me to become the person I am today.

In my reflections on Saturday, this is what I wrote down:

- Being able to see the people as God sees them and to love them

- Becoming hungry for God (for his Word, to spend time with Him, and to listen for him)

- Encouraging and edifying one another and also challenging each other

- Learning that God will provide opportunities to share if I live a faithful and conscientious life for Him

- Relying on the power of prayer

- Having a Jesus-centred theology in everything

- Being reminded of the costs of leadership

And these are the things I wrote down looking to 2009:

- Based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 || Being joyful always, to pray continually, and giving thanks in all circumstances

- Continue to be hungry for God and to have a Jesus-centred theology

- To GO.

Heartache

Among all of the awesome things that have been happening in recently, especially now that I am back on track so to speak, there is something that has also been nagging me.  I can't go into too much detail, because really it is not my place to talk about it or even gossip about it to an extent.  But yes, this has been bothering me.  I do not even know why it is bothering me, I can not pinpoint it exactly, it could just be because there are so many factors involved coming from all different angles and it is at a boiling point.

It is not really a bad thing, but this situation has shown me things about myself--stuff that I have known all along, but it is good to be reminded of.  I love my parents, and always want to honour them--but of course, that comes second to honouring God and what he has to offer me and what he is telling me to do.  However, I do not feel this situation holds the latter, but I could be wrong, only God knows, and I will only see this in time and retrospectively.  I know I can be selfish, but I find this situation frighteningly so--and at what cost?

I still don't know what to make of this situation, but my heart aches already.  The next couple of weeks are going to be interesting, and I can see the upcoming year being very trying in regards to this aspect of my life.  Please pray for me.

Prayers

Today was definitely a good day.  After last night, I do not think that today could have gotten any better.  Last night, I spent two hours just reading, mainly books on the Bible and theology, but I spent a solid two hours getting reacquainted with God.  It was so good!  It was mind-numbing, but so worth it!  I was also convicted last night for the need for corporate prayer in my life especially with the Zoe girls.  I messaged Vinci about this and she agreed and was very willing to come and meet up the next day.  This is one thing I regret from Monday night after having some time to reflect on it last night, that we did not share with one another and pray for one another.  Thus, I made it a point to email all the girls and hoped that they would be able to come out.  However, it only ended up to be Vinci who responded in the affirmative, but I was good with that.

Vinci came over around 1pm and we had a good hour of just chatting and talking about a lot of stuff that had been on our minds.  It is so awesome to see how God has placed some of the same things on our hearts.  I really enjoyed talking with her about so many things, we have yet to do this before, but I'm looking forward to more opportunities to do so.  

Although she is younger, she is so much more mature than I was when I was her age.  I did not feel the need to hide things from her, as I do sometimes with people.  That is what authenticity is.  This is a words that has always been floating around, the need for authenticity or transparency, however, far to often this is never achieved.  Only slowly have I been able to open up to certain people so openly, transparently, and authentically.  I know that we always talked and are sometimes still talking about these things, yet, I know that I can only be those things through the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I believe that God puts people in our lives to challenge us, and in order to do so we have to make ourselves vulnerable by being transparent and authentic.  The Holy Spirit convicted me of this, and of course, I knew that I would not feel judgment or condemnation, only love, support, and rebuking when needed. I love you Vinci! =p

Bonnie showed up around 2ish and we had about another half an hour of talking/catching up and then we ended off this mini-prayer meeting with a time of intense prayer.  I loved it!  I can't adequately put into words how powerful it was and I am so thankful for these two sisters in Christ who are committed to prayer.  I love them!

Vinci then had to leave, and I ended up chatting with Bonnie about a number of things for another hour or so before she left at 4:30pm.  That was also a good time of catching up and seeing how God is working in her life and among lots of other things! ;)

Today was an awesome day!

Sisterhood

On Monday evening, I went out to dinner with 5 wonderful sisters in Christ.  Looking through the pictures every time make me smile.  I have gone through them like a dozen times as I was making this collage.  I am truly blessed with these relationships I have with these girls.  We are a number of years apart, yet we have one unifying bond, our Lord and Saviour.  We can actually call each other sisters, and these ladies are that to me.

We have been through lots together, in varying degrees of course.  We have grown together, laughed together (esp. on Monday night), supported one another, cried together, served together, and prayed for one another.  Right now, looking through the pictures and the thinking about the time we have spent together in the last couple of weeks, I can not even put into words how their love and support has meant to me.  The times when they challenged me is probably the best times we have had together.

Katherine, serving with you for the coffeehouse really brought us together just to rely on God.  Although of course, nothing goes as planned when we do it, it was awesome to see God work tonight and I am thankful that I was able to work with you on this "project."

Kelly, thank you for always being there to listen to me and agreeing to meet up and talk with one another.  We have been through lots and grown so much, and I am so thankful that God has put us together all those years ago.

Priscilla, thanks for organizing this dinner to Korea-town in Mississauga!  Your faith in God is something I admire as I wish I had that trust when I was in the situations you are in now, graduating and such.  Continue trusting in Him, I know that He is going to great things through you, wherever you end up and in whatever you end up doing!

Sam, serving with you on committee was stressing at times but you were always there to keep us on track.  There were tough times that year, but I am glad to have gotten to know you better during that time, and I know that God is going to do wonderful things in your life in Hamilton!

Vinci, oh dahling, you challenge me so.  Your passion for prayer is something I really admire in you and wish I had when I was your age.  I love you for your quirkiness and the questions you ask that make me think oh-so-much.  

Ladies, you are definitely a blessing in my life and I thank God for putting each and everyone of you in my life.  May I challenge/bless/edify you in a way that is a fraction of what you have done for me.  Love you all!

New

A new year, a new start.  I needed today.  Two hours spent reading books and the Bible.  It was a good evening.  

The last two weeks I have been off, as you can probably tell from my previous posts.  The feelings I have now can be analogous to how I felt whenever I came back from MAC during the Christmas break and summertime.  My routine is thrown off, everything seems unfamiliar, my schedule is out of whack, so many things to do, and this is when I crumble and fail.  Talking with two wonderful sisters today I verbalized it to them, well writing it to them, and it made me feel so frustrated at myself.  Only a month ago it was so fine and dandy, but that means I have further to fall I find.  And now it is just sucking bad.

But tonight I pray that it will be another fresh start towards drawing even closer to God.