Timing

... is so perfect when designed by God.

It has been a year and a half of patience, trying at times, dark at others, yet, there was and always is a light at the end with God on my side.

It is still going to be a test of patience in the next few weeks, but with God anything and everything is possible!

Prayer is even more key now. Keep praying for me!

Thanks to all for your love and prayers. I love you all!

Roller Coaster

As I sit hear in the silence of P&J's living room only to hear the ticking of the clock and my fingers dancing across my keyboard, I finally have time to put into words my feelings and thoughts of this past month.

As I look back upon this past month, I see the low, low, valley that I was in. How incredibly dark it was - to the point that I do not feel that I actually celebrated my own birthday. Yes, I was there in the flesh, but really, my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't until I verbalized it three times and I heard what was coming from my mouth, so many of the thoughts I had had in the past month did I realize how low it had been for me.

A mere few weeks before I was being bombarded by my parents of thoughts of the future to my breaking point. This part of my life seemed to slowly get better as I know my burdens were being carried by my fellow brothers and sister including many of you who faithfully read my entries. This is still a definite prayer request as I am still without a job, but I pray that I am able to do what God has set out for me, not to settle for anything less of that.

As September continued to unfold and I knew that my birthday was approaching, I do not think that I was "upset" that I was turning 25, it is a fact of life - we all get older, and in fact, it should be seen as a blessing from God that he has graciously blessed us with another year of existence. I do truly thank God for my friends, some who made the effort to drive out from Toronto, and my dear friends who know me so well to get me the "Friends" box set, and for a dear brother and sister who took time to organize my special night, and a guy who loves and knew that he needed to make it extra special this year - not because of the age I was turning but because of a number of other things.

I still don't fully know how to put into words my feelings and thoughts of how the rest of that weekend unfolded. And I know it was not done purposely, but needless to say, it shows how human I still am and how I need God to clothe me in His perfect love. How some things that are seen as frivolous to some, can still be so hurtful, which only God can take this hurt away. But this is all I'm going to say about that. It is in God's hands now, and may His will be done.

As the following week came to an end, the roller coaster continued. I was confronted again with the hurt and sadness I felt when my paternal grandmother passed away 12 years ago. I still can't believe it at times when I realize how much time has gone by since she has left us to be with God up in heaven, but times such as the one I experienced last week makes it seem like only yesterday when I saw her for the last time - hooked up to all those machines, her life support - and it brings those exact feelings back. My heart breaks and my eyes begin to tear. She was the one who raised me since I was born. She loved me, but more importantly, I know that she prayed for my salvation and she is an example of a Godly woman that I hope to be one day. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see the way people treat their grandparents - they just don't know how great they have it. My last living grandparent passed away a few years ago while I was away at university, not that she did not have significance in my life, but my por-por had and will always have a special place in my heart.

But things finally started looking up as September was drawing to a close. Getting word of our friends' engagement last weekend and other friends' engagement yesterday saved September from being a total disaster. Hearing about their new beginnings encourages me to start afresh and let the past be in the past and to look ahead.

I wonder what October has to bring...

Back!

As many have said to me this past weekend - I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth - but truly then is when I know I am loved and have true friends who look for you, ask about you, when they have not seen you of late.

The break from everything was good for me. It offered me fresh perspective and re-energized me for whatever God has in store. A step back, to examine where I am now, where I have come from this past year, and to think about what there is to come.

Some of the struggles have come back, especially with September looming around the corner. The daily questions from my parents are the same. I want to spend time with them, but that dreaded question makes me want to retreat at the instance any talk about jobs comes up - even when it is not related to me. There is that cringe inside of me whenever anything work related comes up - even when talk about other people and their jobs because it could segue at anytime to my situation. My heart is heavy again. Oh, how human am I, possessing such little patience for God's plan to unfold. I must pray and pray and pray so more for God to take away this heaviness on my heart and the million thoughts running through my head.

Throwing myself back into ministry has been great though. A post camp reflection will come shortly. Let's just say it was wet. I know God is pushing me to do more but what, I have not grasped yet.

I can not believe that it is almost the middle of August already. The next few weeks are going to be full of changes, am I ready for it?

Meanwhile

The end of March is almost upon us and so much has happened.  The last couple of weeks have been pretty busy.  I have met up with a bunch of people in the last few weeks, people that I do not normally see.  It has been good, just to get new perspectives and catching up.  My parents have also left for two months and now I am home alone with my brother.  It has been busier for sure and a little frustrating at times dealing with my brother, but I am glad my parents have this opportunity to travel and see the world and visit family halfway across the globe.  It might just be a long two months for me =p

Parents

I love my parents, I really do, even if they do get on my nerves sometimes, but that is what parents do.  They are doing it because they love me, because they care, because they have invested 20+ years into me, and really they do it because they really, really love me.  Yet, I forget how much they have actually done for me in my life.

When I look back on my relationship with my parents it has definitely been a rollercoaster ride.  The early years when they were working extremely hard, dad with the restaurant and mom working crazy hours because she worked at a Chinese restaurant.  Their jobs weren't glamourous, but they did it because they loved me and my brother.  I know that this is only human nature, but sometimes I do wonder what others think of my family and the work that they do.  I am not saying that I am ashamed of my parents, of course I am not, they had to do what they had to do to support our family.  This meant sacrifices, which usually meant time in my household.  However, I look back on it now and the dividends have paid off, we own our house, we have 2 cars, we have been on a number of family vacations, and my dad has fixed up every room in the house to the best of his abilities because it is one of his hobbies.  Further, even though we are Chinese and there is a lack of physical affection, I know that my parents love each other.  They now watch Chinese dramas together and go fishing every week from the time the walleye season opens to when the bass season closes.  And after 25 years of marriage, they are also going on vacation together for two months by themselves in the coming months!

Some news I heard this past weekend really made me realize how lucky I am to have two parents who are relatively healthy (the aches and pains of getting older...) who love me and my brother so much.  My parents told me about a neighbour down the street who had just passed away, she was only 55 years old, younger than my dad.  She has two daughters who are a few years younger than me.  My parents told me that she had died from cancer.  What makes this story even more heartwrenching is that only 8 short years ago, these two girls lost their dad suddenly from a heart attack.  I can not even start to imagine the pain and sorrow they are going through.  The questions that are racing through their head.  And their thoughts on the future.  This situation makes me cherish my parents even more.  It is so sad that in order for me to realize this, something so tragic has to happen.

Even though they may annoy me at times and bug me about little things, I have to hold steadfast onto the fact that they are doing it out of love.  And for me to really demonstrate to them the love of Christ in my life, to serve them and honour them, because it would really suck if I could not spend eternity with them in heaven.

Family Ties

My first day volunteering at a junior school, God revealed how truly blessed I am.  I shared with Felix and Kelly that evening how truly lucky and blessed we are to have families that love us so much and cared for us for the past 20+ years!  I don't believe we truly grasp how much our family does for us until we witness what other children/people are going through or went through as children.

We joke now as adults about how frayed the featherduster was or how many broken chopsticks there were but we now understand more clearly why our parents had to discipline us.  There is love behind that discipline, they want us to grow up into individuals who understand right from wrong, to be compassionate to others, and to have integrity, doing the right thing when people are not looking. 

As a teacher, I come across many students of various ethnic, religious, and cultural backgrounds.  We are taught as teachers in teacher's college and within the various school boards that we need to be accepting of all individuals.  I may comment on this another day in regards to how I can demonstrate Jesus in my workplace, but this post is about something else, something that saddens me.

Without getting into too many specifics, I was working with a boy and he had a bit of a breakdown because that morning, his breakfast consisted of one piece of luncheon ham.  It was snacktime and he was eating parts of his lunch because that is all his parent had packed him.  The teacher made him stop or else he would not have a lunch to eat and lunchtime.  He was a little upset at this fact and it just snowballed from there.  He could not concentrate on the language work he was supposed to complete, complaining his stomach hurt and that he was hungry.  It just broke my heart, but also frustrated and angered me as well.  Afterwards, speaking with the teacher, it seems like this is not the first time.

This put some things into perspective for me.  When sharing with Felix and Kelly that night, it showed me how truly blessed we are.  We have a family that loves us, a roof over our heads, a warm bed to crawl into at night, clothes on our back, and food to eat at our disposal.  In addition, we have the luxuries of attending post-secondary education, gadgets at our fingertips, and cars to get us to places.  Too often we take this for granted.  I seriously do not remember a time when I went to school hungry when I was in grade school(of course, high school and university don't count because I was dumb and too cool for breakfst).  I am so grateful for my parents who have worked so incredibly hard their entire lives to provide the essentials, and so much more, for me.  It's just sad that I needed a wake-up call like this hard situation to realize and remember this fact.

Chat

Today's conversation went well.  I still need time for it to sink in, to reflect upon it, and to see where to go from here.   God had already told both of us lots and the situation had already rectified itself, for the most part, as a result.  But I'm glad that we still had the opportunity to talk with one another, so openly and maturely, about things that I never really thought we'd be able to.  But God has changed both of us so much.

There were times where I had the sense that I was going to start to cry, just because of the subject matter, and how it pierced my heart so much.  But I composed myself inside my head, and wiped the forming tears away.  Today reminded me that family is so incredibly important, they get us when the rest of the world thinks that we're crazy or weird, they know things about the past that we have forgotten about and we can revisit it with joy and embaressment, they understand the struggles of our past and even if we are apart for long periods of time, they are still there to listen to us, and above all they love us.

Tears

Yesterday I got an email from someone very dear to me.  It almost moved me to tears, yet at the same time while reading through her struggles, fears, and frustrations, I had this overwhelming sense of joy that I wanted to share with her right then!  This is what God has been preparing me for.  Especially in the last week, after weeks of struggling with the chains of complacency, I have come to experience incredible joy, and I just want to share it.

Please pray for me, for God to give me wisdom while I have a meet up with her.  Although I love fellowship and my church, there is something different when talking with family, there is a deeper understanding that usually cannot be attained otherwise.  We understand each other and the quirks in our family, we take the good with the bad, there is no other choice, this is family.

Heartache

Among all of the awesome things that have been happening in recently, especially now that I am back on track so to speak, there is something that has also been nagging me.  I can't go into too much detail, because really it is not my place to talk about it or even gossip about it to an extent.  But yes, this has been bothering me.  I do not even know why it is bothering me, I can not pinpoint it exactly, it could just be because there are so many factors involved coming from all different angles and it is at a boiling point.

It is not really a bad thing, but this situation has shown me things about myself--stuff that I have known all along, but it is good to be reminded of.  I love my parents, and always want to honour them--but of course, that comes second to honouring God and what he has to offer me and what he is telling me to do.  However, I do not feel this situation holds the latter, but I could be wrong, only God knows, and I will only see this in time and retrospectively.  I know I can be selfish, but I find this situation frighteningly so--and at what cost?

I still don't know what to make of this situation, but my heart aches already.  The next couple of weeks are going to be interesting, and I can see the upcoming year being very trying in regards to this aspect of my life.  Please pray for me.

Cards

The last few days have been filled with two very fun card games.  Oh, the things that amuse me!

I was introduced to "BANG!" after Christmas dinner at the Li's and we had lots of fun playing with the cousins and BFs.  My cousin is so funny, she made it totally obvious that she was the renegade when she could have taken a lethal gun away from the sheriff and instead decides to take a horse from someone else.  I really enjoyed the time we had together as a family.  I do not think that we have really hung out like that in a long while, if at all, and now with busier schedules, significant others, and the such, it makes it even more difficult.  But that night was definitely fun!

Last night I was introduced to another game, "Dutch Blitz", where Kelly has already renamed it, Double Blitz, and she has brainwashed everyone into saying it.  It is pretty easy to pick up and can get quite intense when people snip you.  Lots of fun indeed, except when you get a ton of negatives!

Stretching

This weekend has definitely been about stretching, and lots of it from God.  He forced me to step out of my comfort zone and made me rely on him ever more so the past few days, and in the end I am humbled and grateful.

On Friday the junior high fellowship I help out in were carolling at a senior's home.  I don't believe I prayed enough for the event, but God helped me through.  He provided me opportunities to speak with people, the kids, adults, and seniors alike.  The kids are starting to trust me, even though I still get some of their names wrong sometimes!  In reflection, I was touched that one of the parents took the time to learn my name, as one of the new counsellors of WWJD.  And I had the opportunity to help a small group of girls talk to the seniors, one gentleman was a reverend and he was so grateful to have had us sing to him and another I was able to talk to without abandonement about hockey. =)

Saturday was an interesting day.  Stretched in terms of relationships and in terms of living out my faith in my community.  Something happened early in the day which humbled me and caused me to rely on God evermore.  However, he always delivers.  Everything is good now, not great or awesome, but I will take good for now--God will deliver awesomeness in his time.

The prayer walk at Square One was also interesting.  I liked that we took the time to pray for a number of things going on in the mall, where we can see God working amongst all the crazy shoppers and the rush of commercialism at this time of the year.  I pray that our monkey goes to a child in need and for him or her to feel joy even in his or her circumstances.

That night my family went out to dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday that had just passed the day before.  We went to Pizza Hut where we had some good family time.  My daddy ordered a yummy pasta dish to share amongst the family alongside our pizzas, it was delish!  I know that God had been telling me to share something with my parents for a while now.  I got the courage after a trip to the washroom where I did a quick prayer and when I got back to the table I asked my parents and brother if they wanted to attend the Christmas banquet at church.  It was surreal to me in a sense, that I was actually asking my parents to come to a church event--I had always thought that God would provide others to bring the gospel to my parents, but lo and behold he has been constantly pruning me for this instance.  They asked questions about it, they  show some to little interest (they think that buffets destroy your stomach... hahaha), but I am glad that I asked them.  However, I think I failed when my dad breached the subject again later in the evening, I did not adequately answer him or spend time talking with him about it.  This just showed how unprepared I still am, which brought me before God again asking for his forgiveness and being stupid.  I am scared to pray about it because I know God will hear me and give more more opportunities, I know I'm silly, but this is new and foreign to me, look how long it has taken me to get this far!  But I know I have to, thus, if my parents don't come to the banquet this year, I know that God is working in them, and I am his vessel.

Today was a day full of rollercoasters.  This morning's message was interesting, I don't know what to totally make of it yet.  Will need to pray about it more, but Rev. Tim Wai did remind me of a couple of things, nothing I have is mine, it belongs to God and I need to give back to where I take from, the church.  One more thing that spoke to me after the day before, was that there are consequences to our actions.  How true.

After church, Richard and I went to a shelter to carol and pass out gifts which was organized by Auntie Vivian.  I have to admit, I was not totally sold on the idea when it was brought up at our meeting Thursday, but God was telling me to go.  And I'm glad that I did.  

The interaction with the residents was probably the best part.  During carolling I was looking out into the small crowd of mainly children and teens, with some parents on the side supervising their kids, when I noticed this one girl staring intently at me.  Not once or twice, but a number of times when I looked up from my song sheet.  She looked familiar to me and I think she had the same feelings as well.  I couldn't place it for a long while, where had I seen her before?  But then it finally clicked, I had taught her during my last placement.  She had not been there when I was teaching the first time, but she was in the classroom I observed alongside the Special Education teacher.  It actually broke my heart because just from being in the classroom full of kids, you will never know their full stories.  If I had been her actual teacher of course I would have looked through the OSRs and would have found out.  However, as a mere observer and assistant at times, it is hard if not nearly impossible to know the stories behind each face.  God knows though, he knows all and he cares for all his children.  Now, I do not know if her or her family are saved, but I know that God convicted me to go for a reason, and seeing her and talking with her and her brother made all my fears, anxieties, worries, and doubts about going to the shelter disappear.  This makes me a better teacher but even more importantly a better follower of Christ within the classrooms.

I thank God for this weekend full of stretching.  It was definitely needed even if I didn't want it, he humbled me and put me in my place.

Parents

Eleasa mentioned something today that made me reflect. I totally took advantage of the time with my parents that I had at home in high school and even in the last year and a half. I wish I could spend more time with them, especially my dad. When my dad gets home from work, I am off to go and tutor. I hardly get to see him anymore. I was actually really happy this past weekend when I came home on Saturday night and had dinner with the whole family! I believe that it is so true why these days families fall apart, they are no longer having family dinners together. I know that when I was younger and my dad owned the restaurant he wasn't home much, but he would always be home the Tuesday the restaurant was closed. I don't specifically remember specific dinners, but I do remember my parents spending whatever time they had with us--on family outings, at the restaurant, family dinners, fishing trips, camping, and so much more.

Sometimes when I think back upon it, parents put up with a lot. We would go to Canada's Wonderland, pay admission for four people, and only my brother and I would go on the rides. I distinctly remember cooking instant noodles on our trip to Disney World. The dreaded teenage years, that I feel my brother is still going through sometimes. Working so incredibly hard, and hardly getting the recognition.

Tonight was a good reminder for me to really try to honour them, their wishes, and to just take time to talk to them, especially about God and the Gospel. I love my parents so much more when I take the time to think about this. I wish I had more time to spend at home--but it would mean giving up some of my tutoring. But I feel that God is telling me that anyways. We will see how God wants me to act next.