Knowledge

Sigh. How much do I actually know???

Love

In response to my last post, God showed me again how truly blessed I am. How I get strong-armed by a sister into her car just to make sure that everything is going alright - a bit upset at me that I didn't share to her sooner. But that is understandable, and I totally appreciate our conversations. There are only certain people that I can fully open myself up to - it's just in my character and personality, and this is one dear sister who has seen me through highs and lows for the past 10+ years (isn't that scary!? hahaha)

And then today, I get a really nice message on GChat that cheered me up. Some of you know me so well! =)

Roller Coaster

As I sit hear in the silence of P&J's living room only to hear the ticking of the clock and my fingers dancing across my keyboard, I finally have time to put into words my feelings and thoughts of this past month.

As I look back upon this past month, I see the low, low, valley that I was in. How incredibly dark it was - to the point that I do not feel that I actually celebrated my own birthday. Yes, I was there in the flesh, but really, my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't until I verbalized it three times and I heard what was coming from my mouth, so many of the thoughts I had had in the past month did I realize how low it had been for me.

A mere few weeks before I was being bombarded by my parents of thoughts of the future to my breaking point. This part of my life seemed to slowly get better as I know my burdens were being carried by my fellow brothers and sister including many of you who faithfully read my entries. This is still a definite prayer request as I am still without a job, but I pray that I am able to do what God has set out for me, not to settle for anything less of that.

As September continued to unfold and I knew that my birthday was approaching, I do not think that I was "upset" that I was turning 25, it is a fact of life - we all get older, and in fact, it should be seen as a blessing from God that he has graciously blessed us with another year of existence. I do truly thank God for my friends, some who made the effort to drive out from Toronto, and my dear friends who know me so well to get me the "Friends" box set, and for a dear brother and sister who took time to organize my special night, and a guy who loves and knew that he needed to make it extra special this year - not because of the age I was turning but because of a number of other things.

I still don't fully know how to put into words my feelings and thoughts of how the rest of that weekend unfolded. And I know it was not done purposely, but needless to say, it shows how human I still am and how I need God to clothe me in His perfect love. How some things that are seen as frivolous to some, can still be so hurtful, which only God can take this hurt away. But this is all I'm going to say about that. It is in God's hands now, and may His will be done.

As the following week came to an end, the roller coaster continued. I was confronted again with the hurt and sadness I felt when my paternal grandmother passed away 12 years ago. I still can't believe it at times when I realize how much time has gone by since she has left us to be with God up in heaven, but times such as the one I experienced last week makes it seem like only yesterday when I saw her for the last time - hooked up to all those machines, her life support - and it brings those exact feelings back. My heart breaks and my eyes begin to tear. She was the one who raised me since I was born. She loved me, but more importantly, I know that she prayed for my salvation and she is an example of a Godly woman that I hope to be one day. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see the way people treat their grandparents - they just don't know how great they have it. My last living grandparent passed away a few years ago while I was away at university, not that she did not have significance in my life, but my por-por had and will always have a special place in my heart.

But things finally started looking up as September was drawing to a close. Getting word of our friends' engagement last weekend and other friends' engagement yesterday saved September from being a total disaster. Hearing about their new beginnings encourages me to start afresh and let the past be in the past and to look ahead.

I wonder what October has to bring...

Thoughts

Lots of things going through my head the past week... I need time to sort them out.

On the Eve...

... of a very important milestone.

Looking back, I reflect on what I have accomplished, in terms of the standards of man.

However, those do not compare or even have worth to what I have tried to accomplish for Jesus. Have I really done that much? I praise Him for getting me through, thank Him for being so gracious and merciful, and for being there even when I did not acknowledge Him.

My prayer for what is to come, is that I may draw even closer to God, to know and understand his Word evermore, and that I may rely on Him even more through prayer.

From Where It All Began...

On Saturday, we had an opportunity to share about our memories and important moments we had in our past with Zoe. While I was thinking about it, I was reminded of how much of an impact Zoe had had on me throughout these last few years.

Zoe was there when I was just rediscovering my faith and I actually felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.

I learned what servant leadership was - through the way our leader lived his life. You could count on him being there every Friday night, rain, snow, or fog.

There was support from home during CCF noms and elections - oh what a feeling!

Again, I felt their love and support during a difficult patch during the year at CCF - I could pour my heart out and someone was listening, as my tears flowed someone had tissues to give me, and their prayers were priceless.

They supported me when it looked like I would be leaving them again, and they celebrated with me when I found out I'd be staying at home to study some more!

There was always a home to come back to.

Anxious and excited to see where God leads us to next. I'll always have my memories of Zoe, but we must also look forward as looking back reminds us of how God shaped us into the present and how we can use it for Him in the future.

Construction

So, as the old Canadian joke goes, "There are really just two seasons in Canada: winter and construction."

With the way this past "summer" shaped up, it's no longer a joke, but a reality!

For the most part these days, I can not get from point A to point B without encountering some form of construction. This is compounded by the fact that the two most accessed roads for me to go north are BOTH under construction at the same time. Who does that?! And now 2/3 more accessible routes to head west in Mississauga are now under construction or are being primed for it. Like seriously?!

*sigh*